Ninja vs. really bad puns

You know that puns are deadly, show your moves

Here are some group puns
a hassle of errands,
a magnum of hit-men,
a quarrel of lawyers,
a shortage of dwarves,
a sulk of teenagers,
a plunder of goons.
an encroachment of fence-builders.
a fascination of on-lookers/listeners.
an embellishment of fishermen.
a treachery of spies.
a thrombosis of heart specialists.
a vagary of impediments.
a minuscule of sub-atomic particles.
a conflagration of arsonists/pyromaniacs.
an assassination of gangsters.
a mixture of pharmacists.

J.S. Bach once broke his collarbone, and his doctors replaced it with a metal one. It was, however, too flexible, so they replaced that one with a collarbone made of specially heat treated steel. Thus, the "well tempered clavicle."
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
They kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach"
Sign on gate at the pig farm: "No Porking in Driveway."
Sign in the optical lab:
"Please do not look into laser with remaining eye."
A couple of more collectives:
a mockery of acquittals.
An exasperation of Jewish Mothers.
Statistics are often used as a drunk uses lampposts--for support, not for illumination.
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him, "do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid; there are so many places they can hide."
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Says one psychiatrist to his colleague: "You are fine; how am I?"
What do you call a chicken crossing the road? ... Poultry in motion.
Aibohphobia (def'n): An irrational fear of palindromes.
What do you call an unemployed jester? ... Nobody's fool.
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
If you can't join 'em, lick 'em.
Why politicians don't enjoy the game of golf?
Because for them, it's too much like their work -- you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another.
Feminist's lament: "I think, therefore I am single."
Dog for sale: eats anything, and is especially fond of children.
Inpatient customer, sarcastically: "Waiter, do you serve crabs?"
"Sit down, sir - we serve anyone."
Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: "Push ... Push ... Push!"
Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."
Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."
Sign in a veterinary's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart non-native Americans who blow auto horns to break up traffic jams.
If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it?
Cocaine is God's way of telling you that you have more money than brains.
Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning.
Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? ... WET rocks.
Here are some language warps:
"I dislike your insinuendoes!"
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."
"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it."
"To be demeanored like that is an exercise in fertility."
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
"I'd hate to confuse myself with the facts."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."
Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go
... if we could only catch up from paying as we've already gone.
Personals Ad: "Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money.
If you're not one of my creditors, I'd like to meet you.
Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99."
Personals Ad: "Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X-rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67."
Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria."
(Then, in pencil beneath the sign): "Socks can eat anyplace they want."
Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone: 99 Cents."
(Then, in fine print underneath: "With meat: $24.95").
A hardware store has a sign that reads:
"Today's special. (Then, below it, in pencil): "So's tomorrow."
Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: "Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
Chinese proverb: "if thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum."
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
From the bulletin of the Church of the Incarnation in Sarasota, Florida:
"The Magic of Lassie, a film for the whole family, will be shown Sunday at 5 p.m. in the church hall.
Free puppies will be given to all children not accompanied by parents."
A college president warned the alumni chairman against requesting too much money at one time by saying, "Don't put all your begs in one ask it."
A herring that for many years swam along with a friendly whale appeared one day without its companion. Asked where the whale was, the herring replied: "How would I know? Am I my blubber's kipper?"
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.

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Now for the younger set:

What do you call a cow with no legs? ... Ground Beef!
Did you hear about the new baby camel that didn't have a hump? ... His parents named him Humphrey.
Humpty Dumpty.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's Horses and all the King's men
Came and ate scrambled eggs again.
Goldilocks?
Father Bear : Someone has been eating my porridge.
Mother Bear : Someone has been eating my porridge.
Baby Bear (crying): Someone has been eating my porridge!
Granny Bear : Oh, will you all please cut out the whining?! I haven't even served the porridge yet!
Why is a pig's tail like getting up at 3 am? ... Its twirly.
Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich? ... Because the poor had no money.
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
Two peanuts walking down the street, one of them's a salted.
What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River?
WET rocks.
What is a plumbers favorite flower? ... Draineeums.



THAT WAS PUNNY!!!!